Did you ever wonder what's covered in our health classes:
PFLAG MEETINGS
2ND THURSDAYS @ 7:30
1333 S. CARROLLTON
CLICK FOR DETAILS
Inside Your Teen's Brain: 7 Things Your Teenager Really Wants You to Know
by Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW
“Have you ever wondered what’s going on inside your teenager’s head?” What was she thinking when she made that choice? Why won’t he listen to what I’m telling him? It can seem as if an adolescent is completely wrapped up in a separate world, feet planted firmly in the air instead of on the ground. As parents, we often come away bewildered or frustrated when our teen’s perspective seems so utterly different from our own.
Parenthood is an ongoing lesson in learning to fearlessly let go of trying to control someone you would give your life to protect.
It's normal to feel like communication is difficult during your child's adolescence. Your teen may not have mastered the art of communicating his thoughts and feelings yet, and sometimes you may feel like you have to "guess" at what he's experiencing. This is especially true if a teen is oppositional or defiant (or has full blown ODD), arguing and fighting against your efforts to support him. Listening to a teenager without trying to fix or change what he's thinking can be difficult - after all, as parents we guide and teach. But sometimes all they really need us to do is listen and hear what they're trying to say. A word of caution: the opinion of one (or some) teens is not necessarily the opinion of all! Each child is unique.
We asked a sample of teens the following question: "If you could tell parents one thing – just one thing – and know that they would listen and truly understand, what you say?"
“Stop trying to fix things for me." Adolescence is a time full of changes: physical, mental and emotional. When we see our kids struggling, it’s tempting to jump in and offer solutions, even if they are well-intended, but too much focus on what is “wrong” can leave him feeling as if there is something wrong with him. Before stepping in with suggestions on how your teen can do things differently, ask yourself: "Is this something I truly need to fix for my child? Is it a "Big" thing or a "Minor" thing? Is it a legal or safety issue?" If not, instead of jumping in to fix things, offer a comment of support: "I’m sorry you’re going through that right now. Is there anything I can do to help or support you?" Grab every opportunity to communicate to your teen that you have confidence in him and his ability to manage his life, and that you’re always there if he needs you. Ask yourself, "Am I trying to do something for my teen that he can do for himself?"
Related: Learned helplessness: Are you doing too much for your child?
“Think back to what it was like when you were a teenager. How did you feel?” If someone offered you ten thousand dollars to go back and relive your adolescence, would you? Most of us wouldn’t! Think back for a moment about what it was like: conflict with parents (which is supposed to be “normal” but still hurts); peer pressure; romantic breakups and falling out with friends; homework; being told what to do by every adult in your life; acne, social awkwardness. The further we get from adolescence, the less we remember the intense emotions with which we ourselves also struggled at times (or for some of us, most of the time). Your teen has the same type of struggles – maybe more, maybe less. If you find yourself having trouble empathizing with your teen, send yourself back in time to a struggle you had. How could someone have responded that might have helped or supported you?
Related: "Parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had."
“I make a lot of mistakes. And I take the consequences that I get. After I do the consequences, the lectures need to stop. Trust me that I learned. And if I didn’t…you’ll get your chance to punish me again.” This teen’s comment says it all. No one likes being reminded over and over again of their past mistakes. So when the issue is over, let it be over. Don't keep dragging up past mistakes. And if another incident happens again, give the consequences you originally laid out. As James Lehman says, "Act as if you are the CEO of your family. Stay objective." A good CEO doesn't bring his or her workers into their office and remind them of all their past mistakes if they wants to see good results.
“Sometimes coping skills don’t work for me.” What this teen is really saying is, “Even when I use the coping skills I’ve learned, I still feel awful.” And that can be true. When your teen feels like “nothing works” and is ready to give up, that’s the time she needs your encouragement and support the most. Unfortunately, hopelessness can also look like anger or irritation, which can push our buttons as parents. When your teen is struggling and seems to be taking it out on you (or her brother, or the family dog), step back before getting drawn into an argument over how she’s handling things. She may need your support in using those coping skills she’s learned. A particularly stressful situation may be taxing the skills she knows, and she may just need some time, space and encouragement to use what she's learned. Coping with stress and difficult situations is hard stuff. It’s a learning process that goes on our whole lives. Let's face it, we never reach a point (even in adulthood) where we say, “Wow, I cope with everything wonderfully, all the time!”
Related: Does your child use anger to get his way?
“I’m as good as my brother; I’m just better at different things.” It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing our kids. “Why can’t you be more like your sister? She always turns in her homework and she’s getting all A’s!” (Remember Jan from the Brady Bunch? It was always “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”) But everyone has different talents, capabilities, strengths and weaknesses. If you were constantly compared to a co-worker at your job, you would likely come away angry and frustrated, too. It would also tear down that relationship as you came to resent the co-worker who was held up as better than you. Resist the urge when you’re tempted to use a sibling as an example of the behavior you’d like to see in your teen.
“Can’t it just be about me sometimes? And can’t that just be okay?” Yes, adolescents typically appear to be wrapped up in themselves, sometimes to the point that they don’t seem to think of others. While we want to help our kids learn empathy and step outside of their own experience to understand how their behavior impacts others, there are times when they just need to know we understand. A hug, a pat on the shoulder or a simple, “I’m sorry you had a hard day,” can go a long way.
“Stop trying to control me.” Parenthood is an ongoing lesson in learning to fearlessly let go of trying to control someone you would give your life to protect. Watching someone you love make choices you believe are wrong is one of the hardest things to go through in life. It can leave you feeling helpless and afraid. But in reality, you don’t control your teen. In fact, you haven’t controlled your child from the moment he was born. (If you could, there would be no crying, no waking up in the middle of the night, and no tantrums in the middle of Target.) You can comfort, soothe, encourage, give consequences, love, support, offer suggestions and guidance. But ultimately, your child will make his own choices. This is his show. The more he feels you are trying to be a supporting cast member in his life, rather than his director, the more likely he will be to listen to your ideas and input.
A New App: One Mom's Revenge for Kids Who Don't Respond to Messages--
http://wwno.org/post/last-word-business-249
e
4 Steps to Managing Your Child’s Screen Timeby Sara Bean, M.Ed.
Is it just me or does it seem like children have lost their playfulness? Many of us can recall summer days spent playing games outside with friends, riding bikes, playing hopscotch, or making forts in the woods. Now, though, it seems that most kids prefer to lead a wired existence, constantly connected to some electronic device. Many parents are exasperated by their child’s constant technology use and the degree to which tablets, TVs, video games, laptops and smart phones have taken over their household. I once talked to a desperate mother whose child was sending upwards of 20,000 texts per month (No, that is not a typo.) Like this mom, many parents who we hear from are fed up and looking to take back control. Here are 4 steps you can take to manage or limit your child’s use of technology so that it works for you and your family.
The final reward of the screen time can help to motivate your child to accomplish some more productive goals in the course of a day.
Step 1: Know the Risks that Come with Screen Time
You’ve probably asked yourself, “How much screen time is too much?” There really is no formula to determine this. When deciding what is appropriate and in what quantities, consider the potential risks as well as your child’s ability to recognize and avoid dangerous situations.
One issue that stands out to me as a school counselor is the impact screen time has on the development of social skills. This is one of those “chicken or egg” questions: do children who lack adequate social skills gravitate toward technology as a source of social connection? Or do children who spend a lot of time in front of a screen either lose or fail to develop adequate social skills? While spending a lot of time in front of a screen could potentially be linked to poor social skills, it’s not always the case. Games and technology in general can be very rewarding—kids can interact and quickly get positive feedback from peers online, from other players in live games, or from scoring points in the game. But if your child has trouble fitting in and getting along with peers, it might indicate that he needs more face-to-face social interactions or some coaching on how to better connect with others from either you or a counselor.
Another pitfall of children being surrounded by technology is that it can expose them to predators, inappropriate images, stories, or other content, even when they are not looking for it. Consider the recent Slender Man stabbing. It’s a frightening example of the many dark corners of the web that children can find themselves in and that can influence them in ways we’d never anticipate. Furthermore, children often do not have the critical thinking skills to determine what is real and what is not, which makes them that much more vulnerable to hoaxes, scams, and the lure of influential internet figures, real or fictional.
Along with possible exposure to inappropriate content comes the risk of your child overexposing him or herself. For example, sharing too much information about where they live, where they go to school, or sharing revealing photos of themselves with others. Children and teens often have a difficult time seeing the potential harm in this and find it hard to believe that others would target or hurt them. They feel invincible, thinking “that will never happen to me.”
Step 2: Know Your Goals So You Can Set Rules
Your child’s screen time and use of technology should match up with your goals as a parent. Consider the following:
Related: How to reason with your child who has anger problems
Step 3: Decide What Comes Before Screen Time
When deciding how to approach screen time in your home and how to best use it to your advantage, weigh these factors:
Related: Consequences that will work for your child
I completely understand that it’s not easy to do this in some cases. If you have a child who resists your rules and boundaries at all costs and seems to constantly find ways around your consequences, then read on for some tips on how to regain some control of the many devices and gadgets at your child’s disposal.
Step 4: Know Your Options and Use Them
As a parent, you are in control of the technology in your home, even if you don’t feel like you are. But first, let me say that it’s never effective to get into a physical power struggle, a literal tug-of-war over an electronic device (or anything for that matter!). If your child hides his device, sneaks time on it in the middle of the night, or simply refuses to hand it over, here’s what you can do.
Passcodes and passwords: Many devices can be set to require a password or numeric code in order to allow access. You can even set some devices to completely erase themselves after 10 failed log-in attempts, which may deter your child from trying to guess the code. Steer clear of familiar numbers such as phone numbers, dates of birth, or other number combinations or words your child might guess. Newer devices that have fingerprint scanners often use numeric codes as backup, so make sure your code is iron clad and never share it with your child.
Parental controls: Video game consoles come equipped with parental controls built in via the system menu. Using these controls allows you to restrict internet access, purchasing ability and games with restricted ratings. Some devices can even be set to shut themselves down for the day after they have been powered on for a certain amount of time.
Guided access: This is especially helpful for younger or less savvy children and is available on some tablets such as the iPad. It allows parents to easily turn the guided access function off and on by touching the home button a certain number of times and entering the passcode. Parents can restrict their child’s use to a specific app, and they can even circle parts of the screen they don’t want their child to have access to during use.
Facebook privacy/security settings: Facebook’s security and privacy settings can prevent your child from showing up in public search results, prevent people from posting on his or her page, restrict who can send friend requests, and much more. My suggestion is to get your own account and play around with the settings and help menus. This way you can see what settings work best for your child’s account.
Cellular services: I discovered that my cell phone provider allows me to suspend and reinstate service just by logging into my account and clicking a couple of buttons. Cellular providers also offer affordable monthly apps and subscriptions that enable you to track and limit your child’s usage, activity, and contacts.
Disabling the device: Your child won’t hand over the game controller? No problem. When you have the opportunity to do so without a confrontation, you might find it useful to remove the power cord, the cable cord, or disable your wireless router. With my cable service, I have a hub that controls everything, and if I unplug the hub, all services are kaput.
Don’t be afraid to seek help. Contact your cellular providers or the manufacturer of the device in question. A lack of knowledge is no excuse to be lax with technology limits. In our ever-changing and increasingly technological world the demand for parents to stay informed is more critical than ever.
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Adrienne Petrosini
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- Speakers from Teen Life Counts, A Suicide Prevention Program, present an extensive two period program.
- A panel of recovering speakers from AA generously share their experiences and life lessons.
- Professionals from Oschner provide tobacco prevention presentations, including age appropriate information about advertising, health ramifications, safety, cessation, etc.
- Experts from Tulane School of Public Health cover present on sexually transmitted diseases.
PFLAG MEETINGS
2ND THURSDAYS @ 7:30
1333 S. CARROLLTON
CLICK FOR DETAILS
Inside Your Teen's Brain: 7 Things Your Teenager Really Wants You to Know
by Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW
“Have you ever wondered what’s going on inside your teenager’s head?” What was she thinking when she made that choice? Why won’t he listen to what I’m telling him? It can seem as if an adolescent is completely wrapped up in a separate world, feet planted firmly in the air instead of on the ground. As parents, we often come away bewildered or frustrated when our teen’s perspective seems so utterly different from our own.
Parenthood is an ongoing lesson in learning to fearlessly let go of trying to control someone you would give your life to protect.
It's normal to feel like communication is difficult during your child's adolescence. Your teen may not have mastered the art of communicating his thoughts and feelings yet, and sometimes you may feel like you have to "guess" at what he's experiencing. This is especially true if a teen is oppositional or defiant (or has full blown ODD), arguing and fighting against your efforts to support him. Listening to a teenager without trying to fix or change what he's thinking can be difficult - after all, as parents we guide and teach. But sometimes all they really need us to do is listen and hear what they're trying to say. A word of caution: the opinion of one (or some) teens is not necessarily the opinion of all! Each child is unique.
We asked a sample of teens the following question: "If you could tell parents one thing – just one thing – and know that they would listen and truly understand, what you say?"
“Stop trying to fix things for me." Adolescence is a time full of changes: physical, mental and emotional. When we see our kids struggling, it’s tempting to jump in and offer solutions, even if they are well-intended, but too much focus on what is “wrong” can leave him feeling as if there is something wrong with him. Before stepping in with suggestions on how your teen can do things differently, ask yourself: "Is this something I truly need to fix for my child? Is it a "Big" thing or a "Minor" thing? Is it a legal or safety issue?" If not, instead of jumping in to fix things, offer a comment of support: "I’m sorry you’re going through that right now. Is there anything I can do to help or support you?" Grab every opportunity to communicate to your teen that you have confidence in him and his ability to manage his life, and that you’re always there if he needs you. Ask yourself, "Am I trying to do something for my teen that he can do for himself?"
Related: Learned helplessness: Are you doing too much for your child?
“Think back to what it was like when you were a teenager. How did you feel?” If someone offered you ten thousand dollars to go back and relive your adolescence, would you? Most of us wouldn’t! Think back for a moment about what it was like: conflict with parents (which is supposed to be “normal” but still hurts); peer pressure; romantic breakups and falling out with friends; homework; being told what to do by every adult in your life; acne, social awkwardness. The further we get from adolescence, the less we remember the intense emotions with which we ourselves also struggled at times (or for some of us, most of the time). Your teen has the same type of struggles – maybe more, maybe less. If you find yourself having trouble empathizing with your teen, send yourself back in time to a struggle you had. How could someone have responded that might have helped or supported you?
Related: "Parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had."
“I make a lot of mistakes. And I take the consequences that I get. After I do the consequences, the lectures need to stop. Trust me that I learned. And if I didn’t…you’ll get your chance to punish me again.” This teen’s comment says it all. No one likes being reminded over and over again of their past mistakes. So when the issue is over, let it be over. Don't keep dragging up past mistakes. And if another incident happens again, give the consequences you originally laid out. As James Lehman says, "Act as if you are the CEO of your family. Stay objective." A good CEO doesn't bring his or her workers into their office and remind them of all their past mistakes if they wants to see good results.
“Sometimes coping skills don’t work for me.” What this teen is really saying is, “Even when I use the coping skills I’ve learned, I still feel awful.” And that can be true. When your teen feels like “nothing works” and is ready to give up, that’s the time she needs your encouragement and support the most. Unfortunately, hopelessness can also look like anger or irritation, which can push our buttons as parents. When your teen is struggling and seems to be taking it out on you (or her brother, or the family dog), step back before getting drawn into an argument over how she’s handling things. She may need your support in using those coping skills she’s learned. A particularly stressful situation may be taxing the skills she knows, and she may just need some time, space and encouragement to use what she's learned. Coping with stress and difficult situations is hard stuff. It’s a learning process that goes on our whole lives. Let's face it, we never reach a point (even in adulthood) where we say, “Wow, I cope with everything wonderfully, all the time!”
Related: Does your child use anger to get his way?
“I’m as good as my brother; I’m just better at different things.” It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing our kids. “Why can’t you be more like your sister? She always turns in her homework and she’s getting all A’s!” (Remember Jan from the Brady Bunch? It was always “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”) But everyone has different talents, capabilities, strengths and weaknesses. If you were constantly compared to a co-worker at your job, you would likely come away angry and frustrated, too. It would also tear down that relationship as you came to resent the co-worker who was held up as better than you. Resist the urge when you’re tempted to use a sibling as an example of the behavior you’d like to see in your teen.
“Can’t it just be about me sometimes? And can’t that just be okay?” Yes, adolescents typically appear to be wrapped up in themselves, sometimes to the point that they don’t seem to think of others. While we want to help our kids learn empathy and step outside of their own experience to understand how their behavior impacts others, there are times when they just need to know we understand. A hug, a pat on the shoulder or a simple, “I’m sorry you had a hard day,” can go a long way.
“Stop trying to control me.” Parenthood is an ongoing lesson in learning to fearlessly let go of trying to control someone you would give your life to protect. Watching someone you love make choices you believe are wrong is one of the hardest things to go through in life. It can leave you feeling helpless and afraid. But in reality, you don’t control your teen. In fact, you haven’t controlled your child from the moment he was born. (If you could, there would be no crying, no waking up in the middle of the night, and no tantrums in the middle of Target.) You can comfort, soothe, encourage, give consequences, love, support, offer suggestions and guidance. But ultimately, your child will make his own choices. This is his show. The more he feels you are trying to be a supporting cast member in his life, rather than his director, the more likely he will be to listen to your ideas and input.
A New App: One Mom's Revenge for Kids Who Don't Respond to Messages--
http://wwno.org/post/last-word-business-249
e
4 Steps to Managing Your Child’s Screen Timeby Sara Bean, M.Ed.
Is it just me or does it seem like children have lost their playfulness? Many of us can recall summer days spent playing games outside with friends, riding bikes, playing hopscotch, or making forts in the woods. Now, though, it seems that most kids prefer to lead a wired existence, constantly connected to some electronic device. Many parents are exasperated by their child’s constant technology use and the degree to which tablets, TVs, video games, laptops and smart phones have taken over their household. I once talked to a desperate mother whose child was sending upwards of 20,000 texts per month (No, that is not a typo.) Like this mom, many parents who we hear from are fed up and looking to take back control. Here are 4 steps you can take to manage or limit your child’s use of technology so that it works for you and your family.
The final reward of the screen time can help to motivate your child to accomplish some more productive goals in the course of a day.
Step 1: Know the Risks that Come with Screen Time
You’ve probably asked yourself, “How much screen time is too much?” There really is no formula to determine this. When deciding what is appropriate and in what quantities, consider the potential risks as well as your child’s ability to recognize and avoid dangerous situations.
One issue that stands out to me as a school counselor is the impact screen time has on the development of social skills. This is one of those “chicken or egg” questions: do children who lack adequate social skills gravitate toward technology as a source of social connection? Or do children who spend a lot of time in front of a screen either lose or fail to develop adequate social skills? While spending a lot of time in front of a screen could potentially be linked to poor social skills, it’s not always the case. Games and technology in general can be very rewarding—kids can interact and quickly get positive feedback from peers online, from other players in live games, or from scoring points in the game. But if your child has trouble fitting in and getting along with peers, it might indicate that he needs more face-to-face social interactions or some coaching on how to better connect with others from either you or a counselor.
Another pitfall of children being surrounded by technology is that it can expose them to predators, inappropriate images, stories, or other content, even when they are not looking for it. Consider the recent Slender Man stabbing. It’s a frightening example of the many dark corners of the web that children can find themselves in and that can influence them in ways we’d never anticipate. Furthermore, children often do not have the critical thinking skills to determine what is real and what is not, which makes them that much more vulnerable to hoaxes, scams, and the lure of influential internet figures, real or fictional.
Along with possible exposure to inappropriate content comes the risk of your child overexposing him or herself. For example, sharing too much information about where they live, where they go to school, or sharing revealing photos of themselves with others. Children and teens often have a difficult time seeing the potential harm in this and find it hard to believe that others would target or hurt them. They feel invincible, thinking “that will never happen to me.”
Step 2: Know Your Goals So You Can Set Rules
Your child’s screen time and use of technology should match up with your goals as a parent. Consider the following:
- As James Lehman says in The Total Transformation Program, if you think of your family as a factory, what kind of product do you want to create? How can you use or limit screen time to create that product?
- What types of technology do you want to allow into your home?
- How much time do you think is reasonable for your child to use technology each day?
- Where will your child be allowed to use these devices?
- Are certain times of day off limits for technology use?
- What types of content you will allow your child to view or interact with?
- What will we see if the screen time rules are working?
- What will we do if they are working?
- What will we see if the screen time rules are not working?
- What will we do if they are not working?
Related: How to reason with your child who has anger problems
Step 3: Decide What Comes Before Screen Time
When deciding how to approach screen time in your home and how to best use it to your advantage, weigh these factors:
- The maturity level of your child: Before authorizing more screen time, consider your child’s maturity level. Ideally, as your child ages, he or she will be able to have more and more autonomy to self-manage. However, this is not always the case. If your teen is very immature, irresponsible, or struggles with self-discipline, more limits might be appropriate. The bottom line is that you know your child best and what he or she is capable of handling. Gradually add more freedom as children become better able to self-manage.
- Your priorities and values: What do you want your child to learn in life? What are your values as a family? For example, if you really value family time together, then build that into your daily routine before any screen time can occur. Priorities are just that—they come first, before other things like screen time.
- Your child’s responsibilities in the home: Most parents believe that their child should help out around the house in some way. For example, a child as young as 4 might be expected to put his or her own toys back in a specific place when done, whereas teens might have multiple, more complex chores like vacuuming the house or cleaning the bathroom. Any responsibilities your child has should also come before screen time.
Related: Consequences that will work for your child
I completely understand that it’s not easy to do this in some cases. If you have a child who resists your rules and boundaries at all costs and seems to constantly find ways around your consequences, then read on for some tips on how to regain some control of the many devices and gadgets at your child’s disposal.
Step 4: Know Your Options and Use Them
As a parent, you are in control of the technology in your home, even if you don’t feel like you are. But first, let me say that it’s never effective to get into a physical power struggle, a literal tug-of-war over an electronic device (or anything for that matter!). If your child hides his device, sneaks time on it in the middle of the night, or simply refuses to hand it over, here’s what you can do.
Passcodes and passwords: Many devices can be set to require a password or numeric code in order to allow access. You can even set some devices to completely erase themselves after 10 failed log-in attempts, which may deter your child from trying to guess the code. Steer clear of familiar numbers such as phone numbers, dates of birth, or other number combinations or words your child might guess. Newer devices that have fingerprint scanners often use numeric codes as backup, so make sure your code is iron clad and never share it with your child.
Parental controls: Video game consoles come equipped with parental controls built in via the system menu. Using these controls allows you to restrict internet access, purchasing ability and games with restricted ratings. Some devices can even be set to shut themselves down for the day after they have been powered on for a certain amount of time.
Guided access: This is especially helpful for younger or less savvy children and is available on some tablets such as the iPad. It allows parents to easily turn the guided access function off and on by touching the home button a certain number of times and entering the passcode. Parents can restrict their child’s use to a specific app, and they can even circle parts of the screen they don’t want their child to have access to during use.
Facebook privacy/security settings: Facebook’s security and privacy settings can prevent your child from showing up in public search results, prevent people from posting on his or her page, restrict who can send friend requests, and much more. My suggestion is to get your own account and play around with the settings and help menus. This way you can see what settings work best for your child’s account.
Cellular services: I discovered that my cell phone provider allows me to suspend and reinstate service just by logging into my account and clicking a couple of buttons. Cellular providers also offer affordable monthly apps and subscriptions that enable you to track and limit your child’s usage, activity, and contacts.
Disabling the device: Your child won’t hand over the game controller? No problem. When you have the opportunity to do so without a confrontation, you might find it useful to remove the power cord, the cable cord, or disable your wireless router. With my cable service, I have a hub that controls everything, and if I unplug the hub, all services are kaput.
Don’t be afraid to seek help. Contact your cellular providers or the manufacturer of the device in question. A lack of knowledge is no excuse to be lax with technology limits. In our ever-changing and increasingly technological world the demand for parents to stay informed is more critical than ever.
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đ
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Comments
Adrienne Petrosini
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